A life on hold ...

My life is on hold these days, life is kind of complicated. I spend my time waiting. Waiting ... to move out ... waiting ... for a New Life to start ... waiting ... for me ... I have been lost in an empty void for so long, and now I finally seem to be on my way to find myself again. It's like the Phoenix erupting into flames before rising from the ashes, hehe. Reborn - and ready for a New Start. But still ... waiting. Impatiently waiting to move on.

What is needed in between a life on hold and the Next Step is patience, even where there's no patience to be found.

These days I get less angry when things don’t combine
Laughing at how I behave sometimes is more in my line
Whenever that girl in the mirror starts to look troubled or blue
I take her aside for a moment and tell her we’re just passing through

(Mick Hanly "These Days")

It's like my soulmate Ricardo said ... Where I am now is in purgatory. (Which of course raised a discussion on Facebook about the religious aspect of purgatory. :-O )

But this is something Entirely Different. To use Ricardo's words: "Purgatory is in the midway of Heaven and Hell yes. But in a one way direction - to the Heaven. First one should purge (that´s where the name came, isn´t familiar to the computerwise people?) to be able to enter the Heaven. It is simbolic. It is for who knows and understands Lill. It is not for anyone, so." Says my wise friend who probably knows me and my inner thoughts better than anyone else...

When life is complicated there are two directions in which you can find me. Way down into Nothing, or way up in a Creative State where I use all my frustrations to do positive and creative things. Restless and on the move, but stuck in the very same spot going nowhere. Circling like a lion in a cage, looking for the way out. The first state can last for hours, the last one for days, even weeks. :-) And ... switching between those two ... can be frustrating in itself.

So ... if I need to talk, let me talk. If I need to be silent, let me say nothing - and listen to what I'm not saying! ;-) Maybe I ask too much, but I need everyone who knows me to be patient too. With me.

I should warn you
When I'm not well
I can't tell
Oh, there's nothing I can do
To make this easier for you

You're gonna need to be patient with me

I'm this apple, this happening stone
When I'm alone
Oh, but my blessings get so blurred
At the sound of your words

I'm gonna need you to be patient with me

How can I warn you when my tongue turns to dust
Like we've discussed
It doesn't mean that I don't care
It means I'm partially there

You're gonna need to be patient with me

(Wilco "Please Be Patient With Me")